Thursday, January 06, 2011

The House-led Republicans Pass Their First Bill

by XNeeOhCon    Thu Jan 06, 2011
Off to a flying start, the new Republican lead U.S. House of Representatives passed their first piece of legislation today, minutes after the session began.  The bill is entitled "The Everything the Democrats Have Ever Done or Want to Do Must Begin Its Title with the Phrase: ‘The Job Killing...’ Act of 2011."  This sweeping legislation has picked up some bipartisan support from the neo-liberals and is expected to pass the Senate 82-18 following its historic 430-5 passage in the House today.  Among some of its many provisions, the bill would provide a more streamlined process for GOP demagoguery, a move praised by GOP leadership in a press conference following the bill’s passage.

"I really feel like this will make it easier for the morons in our base to understand what Frank Luntz told us to impress upon them, and thus give them more time to write fan fiction featuring Sarah Palin in wolf skin lingerie and all caps hate mail to liberal blogs."  Said Eric Cantor Thursday.

When asked about the Bill’s intended effect on the persistent jobs crisis they were ostensibly elected to work on the new Speaker, John Boehner, gave a surprisingly direct answer:

It only really attempts to distract from the fact that we lost most of those jobs due to our policies and keep us in power long enough to enrich our wealthy friends so they’ll give us rides on their yacht and floor seats for NBA games when our inevitable electoral defeat comes due to our incompetent governing finally burning through our well crafted bullshit screen.  In our circles we call that moment 'The Full W.'  

When asked why he was able to be so candid, Boehner continued, illuminating another of the bill’s key provisions:

Well, I can say this to you because, (he pauses to dab tear from his eye), we’ve included a provision that requires a special committee made up of  several FOX news producers, Andrew Brietbart, Rush Limbaugh, and Orly Taitz to approve and/or edit any text, sound, or video from any politician nationwide.

Some have speculated that the law may not pass the Senate or be signed into law by President Obama, but GOP legislative analysts are not worried. 

"Even if it doesn’t get signed, we’ll just enact the "Delay Clause."  Said an anonymous GOP staffer.

The special "Delay Clause" (named for former Republican majority leader Tom Delay) is designed to work around possible obstacles from the upper chamber or Executive by declaring their authority unconstitutional for any Congress beginning with the number 112.  The clause also suspends elections for all offices in perpetuity and mandates the death penalty for anyone caught saying the phrase "happy holidays." 

The bill is expected to take effect five minutes from now when this article will be deleted and I will be shipped to Gitmo to be tortured to death by Ann Coulter audio books. 

I wish I could say it’s been a pleasure knowing you, but then you would also be executed.