Friday, July 06, 2012

Friday Funnies: Supreme Court & ObamaCare Edition

   There were no new late-night shows this week that were not in reruns. So, I am bringing you some political crap from one of my favorites, Bill Maher.

Bill Maher:  "I could not wait to start using my Obamacare. Today, I swallowed a fist full of birth control pills and then washed it down with poison. What do I care, it’s free?"

"The Tea Party is furious. They say this is a slippery slope to dental care."

"Down in Louisiana, Republican Governor Bobby Jindal said he's just going to refuse to implement Obamacare. That's it, 'F**k you all. I'm just not doing it.' So if you need an operation in Louisiana, you're going to have to pay for it the old-fashioned way: Stand on a balcony, flash your tits, and hope someone throws you money."

"What was really so hard for the conservatives to swallow was that Justice John Roberts was the one that did this. Gotta give it up to Justice John Roberts, that was a very studly move he made. But boy, for the conservatives, he was their hero. This is like they threw a big surprise party for their dad and they found him in bed with a black guy."

"They shouldn’t be so sad, the Supreme Court also had a ruling this week that was somewhat in their favor. In the Arizona immigration case they did rule that the police can consider you suspicious down there if you have significant difficulty communicating in English. Who knew George Bush was an alien."

"I secretly want Romney to win because, look, I'm a comedian. Mitt Romney is an ultra-Caucasian Mormon zillionaire who uses his dog as a hood ornament. For me not to secretly want him as President, it's like Halliburton secretly not wanting a war."

"So Mitt, if you are serious about winning, you have to think outside the box. what about, hear me out, Romney-Zimmerman 2012? It's unorthodox, but who better than George Zimmerman to personify your campaign theme of, 'I think the black guy's up to no good.'

"But you know who might be the perfect Mitt Romney Vice President? Mitt Romney. That's right, Mitt. Yourself! Now, of course, this is a controversial pick, because frankly, there are not many issues where you have seen eye to eye with you. (audience applause) I mean, you like you as a person, but on policy, it's gonna be kinda hard to bridge the gap between you and your stance on health care, immigration, gun control, abortion, climate change, campaign finance, Afghanistan, gay rights, space exploration, treaty of the sea, Megan's Law, the infield fly rule. OK, forget that one."

Jay Leno: "Last night was the big annual congressional baseball game between the Democrats and Republicans, and the Democrats won 18-5. Of course the Democrats won. Did you see who the umpire was? Chief Justice John Roberts."

"The Obamacare ruling makes Roberts the first Republican to favor an insurance law with an individual mandate since, well, Mitt Romney."