Tuesday, August 07, 2012

Call Me A Concern Troll, Republicans. But Read This Anyway

   This is for all of the Republicans who will be in Tampa for their convention. A few tips to stay healthy when you forget about all of those Christian values that you claim to believe in

Your GOP convention starts in 20 days in Tampa. There will be speeches, straw hats, smoke-filled rooms, confetti, names of states on dancing poles, and also lots and lots of dancing pole dancers. I'd like to warn you about the latter.

From what the sex industry says, you Republicans are a horny bunch. A survey by the Association of Club Experts, for example, says that you outspend us Democrats three-to-one at stripper bars during your conventions. For all the noise you people make about irresponsible spending, you sure have interesting ways of blowing through your cash. I guess I never knew your road to eternal salvation passed through the lap-dance booth. Does Rick Warren have that sermon posted up on You Tube? But I digress...

I also noticed that Republicans appear to have the backing of the porn industry. As adult actress Jenna Jameson said during her endorsement of Mitt Romney: "When you're rich, you want Republicans in office." Lady, you said a mouthful.

My point is, I'd like to think that you conservatives will be playing it safe at your convention, and no, I don’t mean your choice of vice presidential candidate. I'm talkin' about "Goin' the Full Pokemon"---if ya know what I mean. (Or, as Rick Perry calls it: "Oops.")

Look, I know you think you know how your erotic escapade will play out. You think you'll bring a hot, intellectually-curious escort back to your hotel room, turn your penis off and spend a wild night discussing Ayn Rand's economics, atheism, love of trains and stuff. I know that's what you were taught in abstinence-only class. But it just doesn't work that way. Your wee willie winky is gonna short-circuit your thinkin' brain and switch over to caveman mode. At that moment, your purity ring will become as useless as your trickle-down economics.

There's no other way to say this, so I'll just say it: you're gonna have buy enormous amounts of sex in Tampa. The ladies (and gents) of the evening are going to pay off lots of bills thanks to your GOP convention. But be safe, for cryin' out loud (but not too loud---you never know who might be next door pressing a glass against the wall). The Centers for Disease Control is a good source of info, as they run the gamut from Chlamydia to Syphillis to a bunch of diseases you may not be able to pronounce. You'll also find a list of Tampa STD testing clinics (with directions) here. If you're gonna bring a souvenir back home with ya, better it should be a Grover Norquist snow globe (shake it up and watch it erupt in a blizzard of teeny tiny tax pledges) than the clap. Or worse.

There. I said it.

I know you're a bit---how to put this diplomatically---less reality-based than Democrats who know that comprehensive sex education prevents cases of the creepy crawlies more effectively than abstinence-only education. That's why I'm posting this now…so you'll have a full 20 days to, um, bone up on how to avoid the dreaded D in STD.

We may be ideological opposites, but it's important that you Republicans stay relatively healthy. We'll need you to help turn back the invasion of America by the Soviet Union that Mitt Romney has promised to prepare our defenses for if he becomes president. So sin responsibly, my friends. Sin responsibly.

Bill in Portland Maine for Daily Kos on Tue Aug 07, 2012