Friday, October 19, 2012

The Adventures of Mitt: Oct 18, 2012

Hunter for Daily Kos on Thu Oct 18, 2012

Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.

I am very angry with my advisers today, Mr. Diary. Turning on the television today, I have heard nothing but my staff, surrogates, and assorted other hangers-on discussing my opinions on various issues. Ed G. apparently told the press I did not support a certain bill regarding wages for females. He then stated I did support it. Then another staff member said I mostly did, but partly did not. Then someone else said I did not, but that I supported the principle of it, or at least the part of the principle that I did support but not the part that I did not support. This is why I do not watch the television very often.

I finally could take no more of it, and summoned my staff and advisers for an urgent conference call, which I used to angrily demand members of my campaign stop claiming to the press that I had opinions on various important issues facing the nation. I do not have opinions on various important issues facing the nation, I am running for office for Pete's sake.

I do not remember ever expressing an opinion on any issue, I reminded them, other than wealthy Americans like myself deserve a large tax cut. And by tax cut, I currently mean that it would not be a tax cut, but merely an adjustment of the rates of various taxes in such a way as to achieve no actual tax cut, unless by coincidence a wealthy American happened to have most of their income invested in the various places that I intend to cut taxes. So it is not even accurate to say that I support lowering taxes, because I do not, I merely favor a multivectored tax adjustment that will accomplish nothing in particular. I then sent my staff out with the instruction that my opinion on very large tax cuts that will not cut taxes is the only issue that they may state I have an opinion on.

I am beginning to fear all of these people are as dull as the commoners are. It is true that none of them are as wealthy as I am, but still—many of them are at least slightly wealthy. One would think they would be able to keep track of these things.