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David Letterman: "James Bond beat Abraham Lincoln at the box office. Boy, it's really been a lousy week for Republicans, hasn't it?"
"Two-term presidents is a pretty small club in the history of the United States. The only club smaller is Latinos for Romney. And then the only club smaller than that it Latino women for Romney"
"Republicans are talking about being open to compromise when it comes to the fiscal cliff. And I'm saying, 'What the hell have you done with the real Republicans? Where are the real Republicans? That's not the Republicans I know."
"Republicans still will not admit that they underestimated the power of the Hispanic vote. As a matter of fact, Latinos are calling this Cinco Denio."
Craig Ferguson: "The CIA director, David Petraeus, resigned. The FBI caught him having an affair with his biographer. Hey general, you work for the CIA, not the TSA."
"There's a double standard here. The head of the CIA gets caught having sex and has to resign. Meanwhile, a British special agent, James Bond, has sex with tons of women and makes $90 million at the box office. Where's the justice?"
Jimmy Fallon: "Get this. After all the confusion at the polls in Florida last week, Governor Rick Scott said he will review ways to improve his state's voting procedures. It'll be the biggest thing Scott's done since he won that raffle to become governor."
Jay Leno: "Florida has finally finished counting the votes. What is wrong with Florida? Why is it so hard for the people down there to count votes? We're talking about a state where half the population can play 10 bingo cards at the same time."
"The big story here in Los Angeles is the Lakers have fired their coach, Mike Brown. They are playing so bad that President Obama and Chris Christie toured the Staples Center today."
"According to the real estate Web site Zillow, the White House is worth $283 million. When Mitt Romney heard that, he said, "You mean I could have just bought it?'"
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