Saturday, March 10, 2012

Saturday Satire:The Romney, Santorum Edition

   As a few of you may have noticed, I have not been posting over the past few weeks. That would be because my now former girlfriend tried to commit suicide towards the end of February. Natural Ice and pills was her choice of departure, which did not go her way. It did her a trip to the psychiatric ward, which is where she should still be. If I was enough of a drunkard to drink Natural Ice, I’d want to kill myself also.

    Anyone who would think of voting for either Mitt Romney or Rick Santorum, or that Gingrich guy, may want to consider offing themselves in order to save the taxpayers the trillions that a Republican president would add to the so-called deficit.

Conan O'Brien: “Mitt Romney just barely won the Republican primary in Ohio by 1%. ...Then Romney made the mistake of saying, 'Ladies and gentlemen, tonight is a victory for the 1%!'"

“According to exit polls, Mitt Romney is struggling with voters who call themselves very conservative. However, Mitt is doing great with voters who describe themselves as being 'totally freaked out by Rick Santorum.'”

"In several Super Tuesday states, a third of the voters still believe that President Obama was born in a foreign country. Yeah. These are the same people who think that Super Tuesday is Superman's birthday."

Stephen Colbert: "Last night was Super Tuesday – a 10-state GOP Primary orgy. A big, sweaty pile of lever-yankin' Republican voters. And like most orgies, it involves a bunch of middle aged guys who are not appealing to women."

"Rick Santorum 'slipped the knockout punch!' 'Knockout punch,' by the way, is what Rush Limbaugh slips his dates."

Craig Ferguson:  “I'm excited about the new iPad. But then I'm excited about anything that is not the Republican primaries.”

“Mitt Romney's wife said she doesn't even consider herself wealthy. Then she said, ‘If you don't believe me, just ask my chauffeur.’”

“Mitt Romney's been out on the campaign trail even though he's suffering from a terrible cold. I'm not surprised he's sick. It's very unsanitary to keep putting your foot in your mouth like that.”

Bill Maher: I thought the election was gonna be all about the economy. But the economy started doing better. So Republicans went to plan b: calling women whores.”

Rush Limbaugh: four wives he’s had – no children. Dude, you are birth control.”

“This gas thing is not funny. We are looking at five dollar a gallon gasoline. Mitt Romney's wife filled up both her Cadillacs today and now she’s one of the poor people he doesn't give a sh*t about.”

“Now that Snooki is pregnant, somebody has to ask Rick Santorum, ‘Are you still against contraception?’”

Jay Leno: “It seems a cat named Hank is running for the Senate in Virginia. You know the difference between a cat and politician? A cat doesn't pretend to care about you.”
“In a speech on Wall Street the other day, President Obama compared himself to Gandhi. Well, that makes sense. He's created a lot of jobs in India.”