Bill Maher: "The best advertisement for torture is not Dick Cheney and people like that who support it, it is Hollywood. At the Golden Globes, it's movies. Ben Affleck won for playing a CIA officer, Claire Danes won for playing a CIA officer, Jessica Chastain won for playing a CIA officer and of course, Julianne Moore won for playing Sarah Palin, a master of counter intelligence."
Stephen Colbert: "Where did we go wrong? The Republicans had everything going for them – a terrible economy, an unpopular incumbent, and a positive message for the American voter: 'less than half of you are parasites.'"
"During the inauguration, a teenage boy was spotted flirting with Malia Obama. At this moment, the boy is being flown to a remote location in Afghanistan."
"In his inaugural address, President Obama said America's possibilities are limitless. Unfortunately at that moment Lance Armstrong shouted out, 'That's what I used to think."
Jay Leno: "On the news they made a big deal out of the fact that four years ago there were twice as many people at President Obama's first inauguration than there was at this one. That's because four years ago, twice as many people could afford to stay in hotels."
"Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns."
"Ann Romney, the wife of Mitt Romney, has reportedly turned down a chance to appear on 'Dancing With the Stars.' Apparently, she has something called 'self-respect.'"
"Actually, she says she loves to dance and is a big fan of the show, but she said she'd rather stay home with the Biggest Loser."
"Actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington. It was only like three minutes long. Well, sure. George Washington couldn't tell a lie."
"The CEO of Whole Foods is criticizing Obamacare, once again calling it fascism. He did this before when he called it socialism. And he said the problem with socialism is eventually you run out of other people's money. As opposed to shopping at Whole Foods, where you eventually run out of your own money."
"If the NRA keeps messing with the President's daughters, they're going to have to start worrying about Michelle Obama's guns." -–Bill Maher, referring to the first lady's arm muscles
Jimmy Fallon: "In a recent attack ad, the NRA claims that President Obama cares about his own children more than he cares about other children. In response, President Obama was like, 'Yeah, that's how families work.'"
"On Sunday the White House will hold a private swearing-in ceremony for President Obama. Not to be outdone, on Sunday Republicans will hold a private swearing-AT ceremony for President Obama."