Jay Leno: "The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, was seen partying in Mexico with Charlie Sheen. I believe that celebration is called 'Cinco de Career-o.'"
"Today Democrats said they want another trillion dollars in taxes. Didn't we just give them $620 billion last Wednesday? Is that gone already? Who is running this, 'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills'?"
"This week Congress approved some version of the fiscal tax bill, which raises taxes on rich Americans. President Obama was determined to do this right away – while there are still some rich Americans left."
Conan O'Brien: "The Consumer Electronics Show is happening in Las Vegas and the most amazing gadgets are being talked about. One of the gadgets this year is a fork that tells you when you're eating too fast. In a related story today, Chris Christie was spotted yelling at his fork to mind its own business."
"A political opponent is accusing Governor Chris Christie of praying for Hurricane Sandy. In response, Christie said the only weather-related thing he's ever prayed for is a Dairy Queen Blizzard."
"According to a new poll, Congress is now less popular than head lice, Nickelback, and Donald Trump. In a related story, head lice is insulted that it's being lumped in with Donald Trump and Nickelback."
Stephen Colbert: "What do you put on a trillion dollar coin? On the tail side obviously a bald eagle breathing fire while making love to the American flag. What is on the heads? Obama? Boehner? I'll tell what you it should be, those Charmin bears – because when you pull an idea like this out of your ass, you're going to need something soft."
"Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays." –Stephen Colbert on putting armed guards in schools
Jon Stewart on gun control opponents: "No one's taking away ALL the guns. But now I get it, now I see what's happening. So this is what it is. Their paranoid fear of a possible dystopic future prevents us from addressing our actual dystopic present. We can't even begin to address 30,000 gun deaths that are actually, in reality, happening in this country every year because a few of us must remain vigilant against the rise of imaginary Hitler."