"Fox News has their lowest ratings in 10 years. But Fox says it's not a case of them losing credibility. They say it's not because they're now widely seen as a clearing house for discredited ideas. They say it's mostly because of old people misplacing the clicker."
"The Daily Caller website found two women in Puerto Rico, who claim that he promised them $500 for their services and only paid them $100. This is my kind of Senator – socially liberal and fiscally conservative."
"Immigration is the big issue they're working on in Washington. They want to create a 'path to citizenship.' You have to pass a background check, you have to pay a fine, you have to pay back taxes, you have to learn English and you have to get that statue of the Virgin Mary off your front yard. Oh, and also the cable channels between 17 and 23 – gone."
"In an interview last week, Obama said he loves to shoot skeet up at Camp David. Republicans said if he is a skeet shooter, why have we not heard of it? Why have we not seen photos of it? Yes, because nothing would ease the Republican mind more than a photo of the black president with a gun."
Jay Leno: "Beyoncé finally admitted that she did lip sync the national anthem during the inauguration. Now Donald Trump is claiming that since she did lip sync, President Obama is not legally president. He said it invalidated the whole thing."
"Zimbabwe's finance minister revealed yesterday that his country has only $217 left in the government Treasury. Today President Obama said, 'Stop bragging!'"
"Yesterday President Obama went to Las Vegas and spoke about his new immigration plan. Afterwards he was harshly criticized by the locals for speaking in English."
"In his farewell speech to the Senate this week, John Kerry spoke for 51 minutes about Washington being gridlocked. The cause of the gridlock? Senators giving 51-minute speeches."
Jimmy Fallon: "I have a lot of eating planned for Sunday. Hot wings. Nachos. Sausages. The inside of my stomach is going to look like a Michelle Obama nightmare."
Stephen Colbert: "A new poll found 78% of respondents believed the planet had warmed over the past 100 years. The other 22% burst into flames."