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"Politics: 'Poli', a Latin word meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'."
"You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married say, ‘It’s the same sex all the time.’ "
On Canada: "You are a big country. You are the kindest country in the world. You are like a really nice apartment over a meth lab."
"A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills. They’d make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while."
"Where did they get Sarah Palin? . . . Did Ronald Reagan have a kid with Posh Spice? It’s like she came from some reality show — ‘Project Running Mate.’"
On George W. Bush: "People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House."
On the end of the George Bush presidency: "It’s the end of the reign of George the Second. The reign of error is over. America is officially out of rehab."
On the American economy: "And you can’t blame the economy on [George W. Bush]. They say the economy is essentially sound because people are considering buying things. That’s like saying fat people are healthy because they might exercise."
On Osama bin Laden: "We can't find him, but he's a 6-foot-5 Arab on dialysis. Call me crazy, but look for a guy connected to his luggage."
"When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, "Can I use a lifeline?"
"You'll notice that Bush never speaks when Cheney is drinking water."
"Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!
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