Tuesday Satire: Dow Jones, Barack Obama, Immigration, and Fox News

Bill Maher: "The Dow hit 14,000. It hasn't been that high since 2007, heading toward an all-time high. Just think of how big it would be if Obama wasn't such a socialist."

"Fox News has their lowest ratings in 10 years. But Fox says it's not a case of them losing credibility. They say it's not because they're now widely seen as a clearing house for discredited ideas. They say it's mostly because of old people misplacing the clicker."

"The Daily Caller website found two women in Puerto Rico, who claim that he promised them $500 for their services and only paid them $100. This is my kind of Senator – socially liberal and fiscally conservative."

"Immigration is the big issue they're working on in Washington. They want to create a 'path to citizenship.' You have to pass a background check, you have to pay a fine, you have to pay back taxes, you have to learn English and you have to get that statue of the Virgin Mary off your front yard. Oh, and also the cable channels between 17 and 23 – gone."

"In an interview last week, Obama said he loves to shoot skeet up at Camp David. Republicans said if he is a skeet shooter, why have we not heard of it? Why have we not seen photos of it? Yes, because nothing would ease the Republican mind more than a photo of the black president with a gun."

Jay Leno: "Beyoncé finally admitted that she did lip sync the national anthem during the inauguration. Now Donald Trump is claiming that since she did lip sync, President Obama is not legally president. He said it invalidated the whole thing."

"Zimbabwe's finance minister revealed yesterday that his country has only $217 left in the government Treasury. Today President Obama said, 'Stop bragging!'"

"Yesterday President Obama went to Las Vegas and spoke about his new immigration plan. Afterwards he was harshly criticized by the locals for speaking in English."

"In his farewell speech to the Senate this week, John Kerry spoke for 51 minutes about Washington being gridlocked. The cause of the gridlock? Senators giving 51-minute speeches."

Jimmy Fallon: "I have a lot of eating planned for Sunday. Hot wings. Nachos. Sausages. The inside of my stomach is going to look like a Michelle Obama nightmare."

Stephen Colbert: "A new poll found 78% of respondents believed the planet had warmed over the past 100 years. The other 22% burst into flames."

Technorati Tags: Barack Obama,The Dow Jones,Immigration,Bill Mahar,Jay Leno,Jimmy Fallon,Late Night Talk,Political Humor,Current Events

Sunday Funnies: Lip- Syncing, The NRA, Sarah Palin, and Other Washington, D.C. Wonders

  If you have noticed, I haven’t been doing to much posting over the past month. That would be due to life getting in the way. Work, and the other daily hassles that we face have been taking much of my time as has trying to plan a wedding. That alone is a very consuming task, to say the least. I’ll try to put things up a little more often, time permitting.

Bill Maher: "Already the Obama administration has been rocked by scandal. Beyonce lip-syncing; or at least we think she was lip-synching. Manti Te’o said it sounded very real to him."

"Lip-synching – let that be a lesson; if you are in Washington DC and you open your mouth and another voice comes out, it better be the NRA, an oil company, or a bank."

"Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana said 'we must stopped being the stupid party.' Good luck with that. When Sarah Palin heard that, she demanded an apology. She said, 'How dare he insult hard-working, patriotic, idiotic Americans like me.'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is getting big-time financial support for his re-election campaign, a fundraiser hosted by Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg. That means the creator of the world's largest social network is raising money for the world's largest governor."

"Did you know when you poke Chris Christie on Facebook, your computer giggles like the Pillsbury Doughboy?"

Jay Leno: "House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama's focus is to annihilate the Republican Party. Do Republicans look like they need any help from President Obama? They're doing a hell of a job themselves."

Conan O'Brien: "The Pentagon has allowed women to serve in combat. Yeah, the hope is that we can now finally defeat the Taliban by giving them the silent treatment."

"North Korea said it will test a rocket that they hope will hit the United States. In other words, watch your back, middle of the Pacific Ocean."

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed on to a new 'Terminator' film. Due to his age, this one features the catchphrase, 'I'll be back right after 'Wheel of Fortune.'"

  Sarah Palin, Blast from the past:

 

Technorati Tags: Sarah Palin,The NRA,Washington,Barack Obama,John Boehner,Late Night Talk,Political Humor,Conan O'Brian,Bill Mahar,Current Events,Friday Funnies