Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Blackout Got you Down? Coming attractions for the NEW internet!

Originally posted to detroitmechworks on Tue Jan 17, 2012

Ok, so all your favorite websites are down today.  It's no big deal!

Yes folks, the corporations of America have stepped up to the plate, and are ready to provide you with alternate sites that do ALMOST exactly what your old sites did. 

Of course, there is a nominal registration fee for accessing each and every one of the following sites, but that is simply the cost of getting what you want!

Follow me across the flip, and your journey into the FUTURE of the internet will begin!

Missing Wikipedia?  No problem!  We present the new and improved Weekpedia!  
No longer will you be forced to sit through erroneous and constantly updated information by random people on the internet!  The new Weekpedia is written and controlled by the top experts in the field.  Each entry is scrupulously scanned for copyright violations, and then, given that wonderful professional polish!
-Who needs comprehensive information on Gibraltar, when you can see a LIVE performance of the newest pop sensation! Each article will have a learning machine that determines what YOU most likely will want to see!  Don't like her?  Don't worry!  We've got a hundred more lined up for you!  And if you DO need that information, we will happily link you to the 1901 copyright free Encyclopedia Britannica article.  After all, Nothing's really changed as far as the Rock goes.  And SPEAKING of the Rock, you'll want to see his NEW MOVIE!

Want up to date political Commentary like on DailyKos?  Well, buckle up because the new and improved MSNBC site has you covered!  No longer will you need to surf the internet for progressive stories when you can simply go to our site and see the important news right there!  No more hassles of trolls and voting.  Our editors have determined what you NEED to see and where you NEED to go to get it.  Want to comment?  Just send us your comments and we'll determine if they fit the story!  You'll see comments from people JUST LIKE YOU!   And if you are worried about not seeing the controversy, don't worry!  We have linked our site to the former members of Redstate, so you will be sure to see ALL sides of complex isssues.  It's only through fair and balanced coverage that you will get the whole story!

Want Videos like you used to see on Youtube?  No problem!  Welcome to USTube!  The net's new site for user created videos.  By uploading your video, you ensure that you are helping this vibrant community stay strong.  Our editors will review all content, after doing a quick check against the MPAA and RIAA catalogs to ensure compliance.  If you are using a licensed song, the royalty fee can be deducted automatically, provided that the use of the music is approved by the copyright holder.  No more worrying about fair use or possibly violating a film copyright either!  We simply will replace all violations with random public domain films from the early fifties, ensuring entertainment and compliance.

Want to go shopping?  Well, the NEW internet has you covered!  Almost every corporation will have a website, and the new instant charges to your bank account will ensure that you buy the products you want in a fraction of the time.  No more worrying about con artists trying to rip you off.  If it isn't verified, it WON'T be sold. 

Want to chat with your friends on Facebook and Twitter?  Well, we've got a surprise for you!  The new Faceplace ensures that everyone is EXACTLY who they say they are.  Once you've uploaded all of your information, you can be sure that there will be nothing posted to your wall that could be hurtful in any way, because it will all be checked.  No violations of copyright also means we can ensure that everyone plays by the rules.  Uploading a picture?  We'll check it to make certain you aren't breaking any laws.  That way we protect both you AND your community.

And for added security, the new internet will helpfully monitor your hard drive for all media.  By doing this, we can ensure that you aren't doing anything that could get you into trouble.  Real time monitoring will ensure no pirated films or software have been placed onto your computer, through NO fault of your own of course.  We'll make certain that stuff is GONE.  Of course, refusal to accede to this monitoring IS a violation of the terms of service of the new internet.

So don't worry.  You'll still be able to shop, talk and do all of your productivity!  Just with a little bonus.   A friend who is going to be watching over you.  A Big Brother, if you will.

He's got your best interests at heart, after all.