Today is the day of the rapture. At 6 p.m. ( E.S.T ) all of those people who belong to the lord will be taken up into heaven while the remainder continue to go about their daily business. It is said that those making the trip upstairs will only be about 3% of the entire population, so how will we know if the rapture happened or not? You can bet your ass that many of the church leaders and their members are not going anywhere, so how will we know? the really funny part will be when the groups pushing this mess wake up on Sunday, still on earth, wondering why they were left behind. Counseling anyone?
Rapture Flow Chart to see if you will be left behind.
Here's what's REALLY going to happen…
OK here’s my take on what the rapture REALLY is. (Inspired by e-mail with friends about the pooties and woozles left behind)
These self-righteous holier-than-thou pain-in-the-ass people get taken up into the sky to sit in some kind of hotel room or giant DMV waiting room and wait to get into Heaven. Also, “raptured” at the same time; The Pacific Ocean Garbage gyre, all of the leftover BP oil in the marshes, the Fukushima nuclear plant, Chernobyl, and any other crap polluting the earth. Woosh!, up into the sky and taken away.
Those of us “left behind” get to enjoy all of the pets of these people (animals don’t have souls you know and therefore can’t be raptured) and a very clean idyllic world to live in.
G_d then forgets about the raptured ones sitting in the hotel/waiting room somewhere. Guess they can entertain themselves watching Fox News. by MEL in PGH
I don't think the government … that actually runs the country will be gone - they are much more reality-based, surely! But, we won't have to have any elections because all the GOPers will be gone - er, well, maybe not.... We'll be left with the likes of John Ensign and Newt, dang! It was a good thought while it lasted. by Merry Light
To funny to pass up. Oh, and have a good weekend. I’ll see most of you on Sunday or Monday, depending on how many of us are returned to earth for bad behavior.
Will there be counseling provided……for those who return on Monday, crushed and disillusioned? by CJB
To All Employees,
The company recognizes that we cannot control your actions outside of the workplace, but we feel that we must address this issue this morning. In an emergency meeting last night, management has requested that we address the following items for those employees that are planning on participating in “the rapture” this weekend. We hope that you find the following information both informative and helpful as you work through your plans for today.
If you are planning on participating in “the rapture” on Saturday, May 21, 2011 we ask that you read the following notice carefully and comply with all provisions within.
Company policy states:
An employee may be considered to have abandoned the job if he or she has been absent from work for longer than three workdays without being on approved leave or without notifying the appropriate supervisor. Such abandonment will be considered as a voluntary resignation.
Company management has determined that participation in “the rapture” is not considered an approved leave and we are assuming that you will be leaving your position for longer than three days without proper notification to your supervisor of your absence. Therefore your termination will be considered a voluntary termination with less than two weeks notice.
At a meeting earlier today, we have coordinated the efforts of our human resource team and your work supervisor, to assure a smooth transition. Your management team is anticipating a smooth transition during this time, based on your cooperation with the human resources department and your work supervisor.
The human resource department is prepared to assist you with any change of beneficiaries on your insurance policies and retirement. Management has asked that you verify the beneficiaries on your account before you leave today to assure that the plans are correct and up-to-date. We had our insurance representative courier additional change forms to the office this morning. We request that you complete this task first thing this morning, so we can confirm that the forms are completed fully and accurately before you leave today.
We are currently in contact with our insurance representative that provides employee life insurance policies. There appears to be a clause in the policy that may nullify the payment of any benefits from the life insurance, as we will not be able to verify “death”, which is necessary for life insurance disbursements. We are hoping we will have clarification on this issue before the end of the day. Please watch for additional information later today from your human resources department.
Please notify human resources where you would like your final check sent. Since the company has not received the required two week notice for voluntary termination, you will not receive payment for any unused vacation time. As a reminder, company policy does not allow you to use vacation time as part of your required two week notice.
Upon termination, our human resource department will send you a COBRA notification for continuation of your insurance plans - to the address that we currently have on file. If you plan to continue insurance coverage under any of the COBRA eligible company plans, you will need to return this form within 60 days. The total cost of premiums plus a 2% administration fee will be included in the COBRA notification. The check for continuation of your coverage must be received within 60 days. Please note that your original signature must be on the COBRA documentation when it is returned to our office.
As a reminder, per company policy, you will be considered voluntarily terminated due to abandonment. Therefore your coverage under all health and life insurance plans will be cancelled after you have missed the third working day without appropriate notice to your supervisor.
Management has requested that those employees who fly on company business, work with our human resource department to assure that all business related frequent flyer miles are transferred to the company, no later than 2pm this afternoon
*****
Your manager and workflow supervisor are here to help you throughout today. If you have any questions - please contact them to assist you.
To help the company during this time of transition we ask that you take care of the following items before you leave the office today.
Please sync any personal data devices containing company information, such as business contacts, to your computer and download that information for the company’s future needs.
Before you leave, please put your work assignments in a pile in the middle of your desk with the most urgent / important assignment on the top of the pile. Please include a short description of each project / assignment, what has been completed on the project and what needs to be completed. Please include a complete list of contacts for the project including full name, email address and telephone numbers.
Please leave your laptop on your desk when you leave today. The laptop is company property. Due to the circumstances do not take your company issued laptop home with you this weekend.
Please leave your company phone on your desk when you leave today. This is company property. Due to the circumstances do not take your company issued phone home with you this weekend.
In addition, please compile a list of passwords that we will need to be able to access each account that you use for business purposes including the unique user name of each account and any secret recovery words, such as pet, teacher, etc... You are requested to leave this type-written list on the upper right hand corner of your desk before you leave today.
As you exit the building today, please give the receptionist
your security card for the building
your company ID
your telephone calling card and
your company credit cards.
Also, please give the receptionist the following written list.
Your voicemail password
Your computer password
The receptionist will have a form for you to sign to verify that you have turned in these items and information.
As a reminder, there is a $25 fee for employee building security cards that are not returned to the company at time of termination. There is a $50 fee for voicemail/ computer passwords that are not reported at time of termination. These amounts, if applicable, will be deducted from your final paycheck.
Please remove any personal food items from the company refrigerator and take them home with you before you leave for the weekend.
Since your absence will be considered an abandonment of your work position, future calls for references will be forwarded to the human resource department for handling. Management has requested that human resources handle all future references by releasing the following information only:
Your hire date and termination date
Your position title and your last rate of pay.
We will tell any future employers that you are not eligible for rehire with our company.
Please watch your email during the day for additional requests that may come from our human resource department.
If you have any additional questions, that have not been covered in this letter, please contact the human resource department.
Originally posted to MNDem999 on Fri May 20, 2011
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