Jay Leno: "Daniel Day-Lewis won a Golden Globe for playing Abraham Lincoln and Julianne Moore won for playing Sarah Palin. The foreign press realized that the greatest challenge for an actor in Hollywood is pretending to be a Republican."
"U.S. customs officials recently discovered 310 pounds of marijuana hidden in some frozen carrots. That's one way to keep kids away from drugs – put them in vegetables."
"Carrots and marijuana – how good will your vision be after THIS combination?"
Jimmy Fallon: "Republicans and Democrats are working on a new bill to streamline the healthcare system. It will reduce the cost of mammograms and prostate exams. But don't worry. They'll still be free at the airport."
"Prostitutes in Brazil have started learning English so they can communicate with out-of-town clients during the World Cup. They are learning key phrases like, 'You are very handsome' and 'Nice to meet you, Mr. Sheen.'"
Conan O'Brien: "President Obama is coming under criticism that his new administration has less diversity than his first one. Which is why this morning Obama said, 'All right, fine, I am a Muslim."
"President Obama held the final press conference of his first term in office this morning, talking mostly about the debt ceiling. He announced if Congress doesn't raise the debt ceiling America will go into default on its loans and we might have to say goodbye to Florida."
"It's a huge achievement for Governor Jerry Brown. Apparently you can get a lot done when you're not walking around saying 'I'll be back' all the time."