The Teabonics Reference Guide

   So you are one of the many who are stuck having to visit your family out of state, in Red States? They are also Tea Party Republicans? You have my sympathy, but, fret not as we now have a Teabonics manual so that you can speak the language with ease and comfort.

   You can thank Elisabeth Parker at Addicting Info for the English to Teabonics translation.

Holidays are joyful and most of us look forward to seeing our families. Nonetheless, returning to the conservative parts of the country where some of our families live can prove challenging — especially when your loved ones share their neighbor’s beliefs, and when nothing they say makes even the slightest amount of sense to you. That’s why we, here at Addicting Info, have compiled this handy conservative phrasebook so you can converse like a native, while fully appreciating the offensiveness of conservatives’ beliefs while you’re sitting at the dinner table this year.

- Numbers -

9-11: Justification for torture and pre-emptive warfare abroad; and for domestic racial profiling and invasive security precautions at airports.

- A -
Activist Judges: State and Federal judges whose decisions support civil rights and/or abortion.
Anchor Babies: Children whelped out by pregnant illegal immigrants who sneak across the border in droves to steal citizenship and free medical care for their brown demon-spawn, who will grow up and vote Democratic.

- B -
Bible-Based: Selective use of biblical texts to justify hitting children and denying climate change, evolution, civil rights for gays, and equality for women.
Big Government: All government functions that go beyond invading other countries and putting people of color in prison; Wasteful, inefficient, corrupt, and un-economical (unlike big corporations).

- C -
China: A backward country with no minimum wage, safety and environmental regulations, or workers’ rights … which the United States should emulate.
Choice: Freedom to choose amongst various crappy options you can’t afford.
Class Warfare: Working people asking for a living wage.
Climate Change: Global warming? What global warming?
Compassionate Conservatism: An oxymoron.
Confederate Flag: A symbol of Freedom (see also, “Freedom”).

- D -
Death Panels: Bureaucrats who will run our healthcare system and deny treatment to Sarah Palin’s grandparents if we enact Obamacare.
Death Penalty: Retroactive abortions performed after the 54th trimester (or earlier in states that allow trying juveniles as adults)

- E -
Elitist: Reads above an 8th grade level.
Energy Exploration: Drilling for oil or mining coal in wildlife reserves and national parks.
Enhanced Interrogation: Torture.
Entitlements: Stuff you aren’t entitled to: Like earned benefits, food, housing, education, and healthcare.

- F -
Family Values: In keeping with the values held by the authoritarian, dysfunctional families that warped conservatives’ minds to begin with. Not to be confused with values that actually support families.
Faith-Based Initiatives: Church-based charitable programs which would supposedly replace government-provided social programs … as long as recipients receive Jesus as their Savior.
Filibuster Reform: Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid’s unconstitutional attempt to obstruct obstructionists.
Fiscal Cliff: A non-existent precipice over which we’ll tumble if we don’t enact tax cuts for the wealthy and draconian austerity measures for the rest of us.
Founding Fathers: A bunch of guys who loved Jesus and dressed like Tea Partiers.
Freedom: The freedom to carry guns, discriminate against homosexuals and people of color,  and to bully people who aren’t like you.
Free Markets: Socialized risk, privatized profits.

- G -
Gerrymander: Something only Democrats ever do.
Government: (See, “Big Government”).

- H -
Hawaii: Located in Kenya, Africa.
Healthy Forests: Logging.

- I -
Intelligent Design: What evangelical Christians would have our schools teach instead of evolution.

- J -
Jesus Christ: The son of God, who sacrificed himself in a brutal and drawn-out manner just to save the sorry, self-righteous, and hypocritical asses of jerks like Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum.
Job: Something people complaining about unemployment need to go out and get.
Job Creators: The 1% who stash money in off-shore tax havens instead of making investments that create jobs.
Job Killing: Holding businesses accountable, taxing wealthy people at the rate everyone else pays on their earnings.

- K -
K-Street: Where disgraced GOP politicians eventually go to make a living.

- L -
Liberal: Evil.
Liberal Bias: Applies to most proven facts.
Liberty: (See “Freedom”).
Limousine Liberals: Wealthy socialists who think that just because they enjoy giving their money away to worthless moochers, everyone else should, too (See also, “Elitists”).

- M -
Moderate: (See “Liberal”)
Moral: Cheating on spouses, embezzling cash, scamming supporters, abusing prescription drugs, and soliciting young boys for gay sex, as exemplified by the behavior of conservative leaders.
Muslim: Any brown person who isn’t a conservative Christian.

- N -
National Rifle Association (NRA): America’s foremost defender of Americans’ non-existent “Second Amendment Rights” to bear arms assault rifles.

- O -
Obama: Osama Bin Laden
Obamacare: Socialized medicine, which — to Republicans — is a BAD thing (See also, “Death Panels”).

- P -
Personal Responsibility: A facile justification for not helping anyone.
Poor: Moochers.
Privatize: Hand public resources over to profiteers, who will supposedly manage them more efficiently while charging us exorbitant rates for accessing them.
Pro Life: Pro-Fetus.Once you’re born, you’re on your own (see “Death Penalty” above).

- Q -
Quorum Call: Not nearly as fun as a booty call.
Quotas: The soft bigotry of low expectations.

- R -
Rape: The only way God intended for unmarried women to have sex.
Rapture: An event preceding the end-times when all believers are bodily taken from earth into heaven by God, before the ravages of armageddon begin. Seriously, I’m not making this up.
Reform: Rolling back reforms.
Religious Freedom: The right to worship Jesus and force others to worship Jesus.
Right to Work: The right to work for low pay and no benefits.

- S -
Stars and Bars: (See “Confederate Flag”)
School Choice: Undermining public schools with vouchers for Bible-based education (See “Bible-Based”).
Second Amendment Rights: The total whack-job’s constitutional right to carry assault rifles and stockpile weapons in their underground, barbed wire-covered bunkers (See “National Rifle Association”).
Socialist: Anything left of Rush Limbaugh.
Stand Your Ground: The right to shoot anyone on sight who seems like a threat because they have brown skin and are wearing a hoodie.
States Rights: The right of Republican state governors to deny civil rights, unemployment insurance, and health coverage to their citizens.

- T -
Tea Party: Nutcases in pseudo-colonial clothing who think they’re a grassroots movement, but are actually funded by evil rich people like the Koch brothers.
Tort Reform: Preventing people from seeking legal restitution and compensation for corporate abuses (but suing the US government is encouraged).

- U -
Un-American: Urban, non-white, multicultural, progressive, non-Christian, homophobic, educated, and/or tolerant.

- V -
Very Poor: Lucky Duckies who get everything handed to them on a silver platter; People former presidential candidate Mitt Romney is “not concerned about.”
Victimization: Calling out conservatives when they — or organizations they support — victimize people.
Voter Fraud: Voting for Democrats.

- W -
War on Christmas: Publicly acknowledging the existence of other (non-Christian) winter holidays besides Christmas.
Welfare State: A horrible state of dependency that occurs when we have any social safety net provisions or public services whatsoever.
Welfare Queens: Tramps who keep having children out of wedlock so they can collect huge welfare checks to buy gas for their huge pink Cadillacs.

- X -
Xenophobic: An apt description for many conservatives, although few of them would admit it.

- Y -
Yellow Journalism: Any news reporting that makes conservatives look bad.

- Z -
Zionism: Something conservative evangelicals support because the Rapture won’t happen until the Jews retake Jerusalem … and after which, Jews who don’t accept Jesus as their Savior will die horrible deaths and go to Hell. But we don’t need to tell them that.

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Christmas Things That You May Not Know

1. Christmas was once against the law in America. When the Puritans came to this continent they brought their objection to Christmas with them. They believed it was a creation of man, not Christ, so it should not be considered a holy day. They weren’t too keen on the revelry that went along with the holiday, either. Christmas was celebrated in America by Anglicans but most Protestant groups forbade it. It wasn’t until June 26, 1870 that Christmas took its official place on the American holiday calendar.

2. Christmas trees were forbidden as a part of the celebrations until as late as 1640. Since the tradition of bringing evergreen boughs or trees into the home at the Winter Solstice was pagan in origin, the early Church forbade them. The first recorded instance of a Christmas tree dates to 1510 when the town of Riga in Latvia brought a tree into the town square, decorated it and then burned it. Thankfully, we have relegated the burning part to the Yule log. Approximately 30-35 million Christmas trees are sold each year in the U.S.

3. Speaking of “Yule,” that word is believed to originate from the Anglo-Saxon for “wheel” (though scholars are not completely certain). A mid-winter festival known by this name has been celebrated since well before 1000 CE, marking the Winter Solstice. The term “yuletide” as a reference to the Christmas season dates back to about 1475.

4. Christmas songs date back to the 4th century: St. Hilary of Poitiers composed Jesus refulsit omnium for a Christmas Mass. The Renaissance brought lighter songs and the earliest English carol came in 1410. It was composed by Ritson and is found in the Ritson Manuscript. One of the oldest carols that we still sing today is “O Tannenbaum” from Germany. The most popular Christian carol is “Silent Night,” while the most popular secular song is “White Christmas.”

5. The date on which we celebrate Christmas was chosen by Bishop Liberius of Rome in 354 CE. The actual date has been debated since the formation of Christianity. The biblical account says, “And there were shepherds living out in the fields near by, keeping watch over their flocks at night.” Shepherds in the Middle East would have only had their flocks in the fields from Spring into Fall. In December, the animals were brought in close to shelter to protect them from the cold and rain. The likeliest date for the birth of Jesus is March, 6 BC.

6. Santa Claus is an amalgamation of several figures: St. Nicholas, the Bishop of Myra (modern-day Turkey), the Norse god, Woden, and the Celtic Holly King primary among them. The beard, the cloak, the reindeer… these are associated with the aforementioned figures. Our modern Santa was created by cartoonist Thomas Nast in 1860 for Harper’s Weekly magazine. Every year he added more to Santa, including his home at the North Pole, the “naughty and nice” list, and coming down the chimney. When the Coca-Cola company started using Santa Claus in its advertisements, it built even more on the lore.

7. Gift giving at the Solstice did not originate with the Magi. During the Saturnalia, which had some influence on our own modern Christmas holiday, gifts were exchanged among friends. As for the Magi… the Bible doesn’t say that there were three of them. There were three kinds of gifts – gold, frankincense and myrrh – so it was just assumed that there were three men who brought them.

8. Mistletoe was a sacred plant to both the Druids and the Norse. According to Norse myth, when the god Baldur was killed by a mistletoe arrow, his mother Frigga wept white berries which brought him back to life. The mistletoe was then blessed by Frigga so that whoever stood beneath it received a kiss. The Druids collected mistletoe by cutting it with a gold sickle, catching it in a cloth before it could hit the ground. The sprigs were placed over doorways to protect the dwelling and bring blessings.

9. The first Christmas cards appeared in 1843, designed by John Horsley, and sold in London for one penny each. The image on the front was of a family raising a Christmas toast which caused the Puritans to denounce it. But cards became very popular anyway. A German lithographer named Louis Prang brought the tradition to America in 1860, printing the cards in his press in Boston. Nowadays, more than 3 million Christmas cards are sent in America alone!

10. Santa’s reindeer are based upon the eight-legged Sleipnir, the Norse god Woden’s flying horse. The reindeer received their names from Clement Moore in his poem, “A Visit From St. Nick” in 1823. Rudolph didn’t join them until 1939 when Robert L. May wrote a verse for Montgomery Ward. Gene Autry recorded the song that Johnny Marks adapted from the poem, releasing it during Christmas week, 1949. It became the second best-selling song of all time until the 1980′s, selling over 25 million copies.

  Originally posted at Addicting Info by T. Steelman on 2012/12/10          Creative Commons License

Technorati Tags: Christmas,St.Nick,Santa Claus,Rudolph,Christmas Facts,Season's Greetings