Dear Mr. Sam Waterston,
Hey -- I love Law & Order. I'm a big fan. But this whole Unity '08 idea -- well, it's kind of stupid. I'm sorry, but the notion that you could run a Democrat and Republican on the same presidential ticket is about as feasible as trying to get your cat to mate with your dog.
I think I know how you arrived at this idea. You went to a Baskin Robbins and thought, "Hey, I love chocolate ice cream. And I also love strawberry ice cream. I bet if I mixed them together, they'd taste great!"
Well, I know strawberry ice cream. I've eaten strawberry ice cream. And Mr. Waterston, the Right Wing is not strawberry ice cream.
I know you spend a lot of time on the set of Law & Order. You're in makeup, you're rehearsing your lines -- so you probably don't have a lot of time to catch up on the news. So let me just fill you in on where things are at:
The Right Wing are a pack of lying, murderous thugs, whose criminal policies have slaughtered hundreds of thousands of innocent people. They believe that they have been chosen by God, and that anything they do to maintain their power is just, and moral, and good. They believe in torture. They believe that science is the tool of the devil. They believe that women should be strapped into stretchers, slit open and left for dead, in order to save an unborn fetus that probably wouldn't make it anyway.
They have a single, unified vision: To march us back into the dark ages, where they will rule us like kings.
The Left believes in human rights, and human dignity. The Left believes that we should not be handling the war on terror as if it were a drunken bar fight. The Left believes in advancing the cause of science and reason. The Left believes that in the richest country in the world, it is wrong to let children die, simply because they had the misfortune of being born into a poor family. The Left believes in respecting the constitution. The Left believes that African Americans have the right to vote. The Left believes that we must lead the world in the fight against global warming.
I know you hate all the fighting that's going on in Washington. You complained about that on your Unity '08 website:
This Rhetoric Won't Solve Our Nation's Problems: The same day Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-OH) introduced articles of impeachment against Vice President Cheney, former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R) said that Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D) and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D) "are getting very, very close to treason" for opposing the Iraq war, NBC's First Read reports.
Okay. Let's take a deep breath and walk through this.
Kucinich introduced articles of impeachment against Cheney, because Cheney committed crimes. It's Kucinich's constitutional obligation to hold the administration accountable.
Tom DeLay is also a criminal. That's why you had to put the word former in front of his name. He committed crimes. And you're using him as an example of partisanship? No -- this isn't an example of partisanship. This is an example of a ruthless, power-hungry pack of fascist criminals who are trying to take over our country. Did you even read that quote? He's accusing the House leader of treason for opposing the president. That's not partisanship. That's Stalinism.
Maybe I can put this in terms you'll understand. You know how in Law & Order you have cops who try to keep the peace, and murders who kill people? Well, Kucinich is like the cop, and Cheney and DeLay are like the murderers.
Do you believe that courtrooms are too partisan? Do you believe it would be better if six of the jurors were upstanding citizens, and six of them were convicted felons?
Listen, Sam -- I know you want everyone to just get along and be happy and play nice. I sympathize with that. And I think your idea might work if we had two political parities that were working for America. But we don't -- we have one party that is working for America, and one that is working for themselves. Pairing them together is not the answer.
If you really want unity, Mr. Waterston, fight for the rights of African American voters. If you really want unity, Mr. Waterston, fight for the reproductive rights of women. If you really want unity, Mr. Waterston, fight against poverty. If you really want unity, Mr. Waterston, fight for health care. If you really want unity, Mr. Waterston, fight against global warming. If you really want unity, Mr. Waterston, vote Democrat.
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