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Everyone and their mother has been talking about John McCain and how he hasn't been able to tell reporters, or anyone else, how many homes he owns without asking his staff members what the correct answer is. So, in fairness to John?
HOW I TURNED 5 YEARS IN PRISON INTO A FORTUNE IN REAL ESTATE!!
by occams hatchet Thu Aug 21, 2008
Hi, I’m John McCain, and I’m here to show you how you, too, can become wealthy beyond your wildest recollection!
Many of you might be thinking, John, how can I, a normal, middle-class guy, turn my $4.9 million annual salary into a fortune in real estate?
It’s simple – and you won’t even need a private jet to do it (although frankly, I don’t see how else you could get around to all seven, er, eight – I mean, how many houses do I own now?)! Just follow these easy steps and before you know it you, too, will be walking around in $500 Italian shoes – or better yet, saving the leather soles of those very same shoes by getting a golf-cart ride from another self-made Republican millionaire.
So, how do you do it? Let me tell you:
First – see to it that your daddy and grampy become admirals. Then, make sure to spend your entire life – even after you’ve become A REAL ESTATE TYCOON - on the dole of the U.S. government, from your health care to your disability checks. And be sure to take advantage of a taxpayer-funded college education by graduating in the bottom one-half percent of your class.
Next – and this is the tricky part – you need to arrange to get shot down in the fifth jet you’ve trashed at taxpayer expense, and then taken into custody by an enemy regime. Stay there for a few years – five would be ideal. It might be a good idea to make, oh, say, a few propaganda films for your captors while you’re in there. Before you leave, be sure to get your I SPENT 5 YEARS IN PRISON card stamped. That card is your ticket to wealth and power beyond your wildest dreams - every POW who has spent 5 YEARS IN PRISON is qualified to own many houses and to be president of the United States. Never, ever forget that.
(Oh, and while we’re on the subject, I should mention that it would probably be prudent at about this point to do your best to bury your 636-page military record so it will never see the light of day.)
Okay – once you’re released from your five years in prison – I mean, 5 YEARS IN PRISON - the hard part’s over. Start reminding people about your 5 YEARS IN PRISON. Never let an opportunity to mention your 5 YEARS IN PRISON pass. You don’t have to remember anything else, just 5 YEARS IN PRISON. You might not realize it, but you are now well on your way to becoming A REAL ESTATE TYCOON.
At this point, you may come to realize that you might have made the mistake – like a lot of people have – of marrying someone who at one time you might have thought of as your "wife," whom you since have come to realize was really just the mother of some of your children.
So before you start to build your new fortune, you’ll need to spend a couple years shopping around for a newer, better looking, and – most important – much, much richer model. Beer heiresses work well for this. But don’t be tempted to take the easy way out and just go for the first hottie you see – take your time: kick the tires, take ‘em for a test ride, rev up the engine and see how she handles the curves.
If you're starting to see how this all comes together, congratulations! You’re almost there!
Next step: dump your wife. If you can get a marriage license for the new c**t before your divorce to the old bag is final, by all means do so.
Marry a rich heiress. (If no rich heiresses are available, your task will be much harder but not impossible. Start selling your stuff on eBay, skip a vacation and get a second job, and you shouldn’t have any problem.)
Now, run for Congress. Use your wife’s money. Be sure to mention that you spent 5 YEARS IN PRISON. Sweep to victory on your platform of 5 YEARS IN PRISON.
Start buying houses using your wife’s money. Don’t keep track of them – there’s no need for someone who spent 5 YEARS IN PRISON to know how many houses he owns.
Make friends with someone who owns a lot of real estate, or at least who holds the notes on a lot of real estate. Do some favors for him. If he plays his cards right, he, too, might be able to spend 5 YEARS IN PRISON – or maybe just 50 months. After that, forget you ever knew him.
Once you’ve acquired enough houses to lose track of, be sure to arrange to fly around to them on your new wife’s private jet. (Don’t let her fly it, though – she’s probably addicted to stolen painkillers.)
Who knows? Following my easy, step-by-step method, you, too, could become A REAL ESTATE TYCOON who has so many houses he can’t even keep track of them!
Or – you could just run for president! You’re entitled, right? I mean, you spent 5 YEARS IN PRISON, right?
