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Oh, the horror of it all!
by kwolfman Thu Dec 25, 2008
Caught up in post-election efforts to bolster her public image and set the stage for a 2012 presidential run of her own, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin forgot to pick up the family's Christmas turkey dinner from Costco. So, like all hard-working hockey moms, she made the best of a potentially bad situation.
Palin picked off one of Santa Claus's reindeer in mid-flight early Thursday morning with her prized double barrel mahogany-handled shotgun, as the jolly giver of gifts skirted the outskirts of midtown Wasilla in his shiny red sleigh on the way to Anchorage. The reindeer in question, later identified as Prancer, began bleeding profusely from its midsection, and Santa was forced to cut it loose from the sleigh to avoid a crash and allow the annual worldwide toy delivery to continue. Prancer fell "at least 600 feet" through the air before slamming into the frozen Alaskan tundra, whereupon he expired.
"I ain't never seen nothin' like it," said Todd Palin, who arrived at the carcass ahead of his wife on a new racing-quality snowmobile. "I mean, how many chicks you know can cap a doe at 200 yards in the dark? That s*** was HOT. God, I love my wife. And I need a cold shower."
Mrs. Palin reached the dead reindeer a few minutes later on snowshoes, and proceeded to skin it, remove its organs, cut its throat, and hang it upside-down from a nearby tree to drain the blood. She and her husband then dismembered the carcass, packed the various parts into two full-size garbage bags, and carried it all back to their house.
The Governor emphasized that no part of Prancer's body would go to waste.
"Well, you know, we're gonna barbecue the ribs and the front legs for dinner later today," she said, "and we'll be throwin' the hindquarters into the woods out back so the wolves have somethin' to eat too. We're tryin' to fatten 'em up so they make bigger targets come aerial hunting season." Mrs. Palin threw in one of her customary winks to add a dose of levity to the situation.
When asked about the fate of Prancer's head, Mrs. Palin replied that she is "thinkin' of usin' it for the mask on Trig's Halloween costume next year. That little guy, he loves watching 'Rudolph' before bedtime."
Santa Claus managed to complete his circuit and make it back to the North Pole without losing another reindeer, but expressed sadness at the loss of Prancer while staying upbeat about the overall health of his fleet.
"Obviously, we're all devastated here that Prancer's gone," Claus said via cell phone interview. "But we finished up just fine with only seven 'deer, and we're confident that next year we'll get by again with seven just fine. To be honest, old Prance'd been slipping a bit in recent years. He was getting to be a liability. Maybe it's better this way."
A majority of the remaining reindeer openly wept when asked to describe their feelings, but a few were noticeably ambivalent.
"Prancer was a loafer," spat Donner. "I was always having to pick up his slack. He put on about fifty pounds this summer and never even tried to work it off in time for the big flight. I was puffing like a smoke stack 'till that b**** took his a** down. Palin 2012!"
Added Dancer, "Half the time we went up, Prancer was drunk. I mean flat-out, balls-to-the-wall wasted. We tried an intervention a few years back, but he just fled and hid in a snowbank for a month, chain-smoking and swigging whiskey by the bottle with some pissed-off union elves who were on strike."
After dinner, Mrs. Palin was asked if she planned to hunt and cook any more of Santa's reindeer for Christmas in the years to come.
"Oh, this one was mighty tasty, so you betcha!"
"How many?"
"Um ... all of 'em!" Original Article
