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Someone took this off of the Internet and sent it to me. They did not state where they got it from, so i can't credit whoever came up with this. But, damned, it is good.
Subject: Resume
Date: Wednesday January 21, 2009
GEORGE W. BUSH
Hiding somewhere in Texas
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE
LAW ENFORCEMENT
I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving
under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my
driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been
"lost" and is not available.
MILITARY
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused
to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By
joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in
Vietnam.
COLLEGE
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a
cheerleader.
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE
I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in the oil
business in Midland, Texas, in 1975. I bought an oil company, but
couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after
I sold all my stock. I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a
sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. With the help of
my father and our friends in the oil industry, including Enron CEO Ken
Lay, I was elected governor of Texas.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS
I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil
companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my
tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in
America. I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of
billions in borrowed money. I set the record for the most executions by
any governor in American history. With the help of my brother, the
governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court,
I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT
I am the first President in U.S.history to enter office with a
criminal record. I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing
cost of over one billion dollars per week. I spent the U.S.surplus and
effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury. I shattered the record for
the largest annual deficit in U.S.history. I set an economic record for
most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period. I set the
all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period. I set the
all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S.stock
market.
In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their
jobs and that trend continues every month. I'm proud that the members
of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My
"poorest millionaire," Condoleezza Rice, had a Chevron oil tanker named
after her. I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S.
President. I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving
the most corporate campaign donations. My largest lifetime campaign
contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the
largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron.
My political party used Enron private jets and corporate
attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my
election decision. I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton
against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent
investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent
investigating one of the biggest corporate rip- offs in history.
I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S.history and
refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was
revealed. I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S.history. I
changed the U.S.policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded
government contracts.
I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any
President in U.S.history. I created the Ministry of Homeland Security,
the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States' government.
I've broken more international treaties than any President in
U.S.history. I am the first President in U.S.history to have the United
Nations remove the U.S.from the Human Rights Commission. I withdrew the
U.S.from the World Court of Law. I refused to allow inspectors access
to U.S."prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide
by the Geneva Convention. I am the first President in history to refuse
United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S.election). I
set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President
since the advent of television. I set the all-time record for most days
on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire month
of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S.history. I
garnered the most sympathy for the U.S.after the World Trade Center
attacks and less than a year later made the U.S.the most hated country
in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to
simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people),
shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of
mankind.
I am the first President in U.S.history to order an unprovoked,
preemptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I
did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of
U.S.citizens, and the world community. I have cut health care benefits
for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty
troops and their families-in-wartime. In my State of the Union Address,
I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our
British friends.
I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans
(71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and
security. I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker
Buster," a WMD. I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama
Bin Laden to justice.
RECORDS AND REFERENCES
All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my
father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view. All records
of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies
are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view. All records or
regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable
for public review.
