1. Logistics
I wouldn't be on the highway at 6PM on May 21st. If there are a bunch of driver-less cars, I think it will be a problem. For that reason, I'll be at the beach, sipping a margarita, staying clear of any boats or jetskis.
I think sunblock SPF 100 might be in order... not sure how bright that light is going to be. Should I get a higher SPF?
2. Reditribution of wealth
Still trying to figure out how soon afterward I can go grab the cars of those who have left. I'm thinking that the Mercedes SLK down the street with the fish on the back is looking mighty tempting. I don't want to be an asshole, so how long is the appropriate waiting period?
3. Till death us do part
The SLK owners, my neighbors, have been divorced before, so according to the bible, they are adulterers
Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery.
Luke 16:18
I would think that they would not make the cut. Is there an expiration date on divorcees being considered adulters? If not, then I guess I'll start to check out the BMW on the other street.
4. He ain't heavy, he's my brother-in-law
There is this couple down the street. The guy is pretty religious, but I think his wife is a slut.. and they don't have any kids... According to the bible:
If a man die childless, his brother shall marry his widow, and raise up a family for him.
Mark 22:24
So if the guy gets taken, should I start looking out to see if his brother is around and screwing his sister-in-law before I try to get their motorcycle?
They also have a really nice boat that I would like, but if the brother comes into the picture, should I let him have it or should I focus on stoning him if she doesn't get pregnant?
5. He sells sea shells
Now that I think about this, we had a crab boil in the neighborhood a couple of years ago. As we all know, this is an abomination.
They (shellfish) shall be an abomination to you; you shall not eat their flesh, but you shall regard their carcasses as an abomination.
Leviticus 11:11
It's the same word, "abomination", that they use to ensure that all of us queers know that we're going to hell and can't get married, so I'm thinking that the application should be the same. Eating a shrimp or a cock is exactly the same thing based on the bible rules... Isn't it?
Now that I think about it, that stupid fucker with the SLK was there and ate both crayfish and shrimp. Oh well, no SLK for me. That cocksucker... er... shrimpsucker.
6. I want my baby back, baby back, baby back...
And there is a Chili's in the neighborhood, so I'm thinking that anyone who had the baby back ribs or even a bacon cheeseburger ain't going either...
and the swine, though it divides the hoof, having cloven hooves, yet does not chew the cud, is unclean to you.
Leviticus 11:7
So bacon and eggs and gay sex are kinda the same thing? Is that why they call it "porking"?
7. Selective Memory
All the preachers and people that hypocritically select what to enforce from the bible are not going either. Once again from the new testament which is, well, you know, new and all, so therefore more applicable than the old testament...
“Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. For truly, I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not an iota, not a dot, will pass from the Law until all is accomplished. Therefore whoever relaxes one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever does them and teaches them will be called great in the kingdom of heaven.
Matthew 5:17-19
Emphasis added by me, not god.
So if they relax on a single law of the prophets, they don't get in... right?
8. The Big Ten
and we can't forget the 10 commandments
1. You are to have no other gods before God
2. You are not to make any graven images.
3. Don't use the Lord's name in vain
4. Keep the Sabbath holy
5. Honor your mother and father
6. Do not kill
7. Do not commit adultery.
8. Don't steal
9. Don't bear false witness.
10. Don't covet the neighbor's house.
And remember: Divorce = Adultery
and Adultery is one of the big ten.
I'm only bringing all this up because you know that the bible rules are cast in stone and never changing. I mean, rules are rules, right?
So who will leave?
OK, so based on all these rules, anyone that has played football, or ate baby back ribs at Chili's, or ate a shrimp or a cock, or worked on Sunday, or swears on a bible, or curses at their parents, or looks longingly at the brickwork on the house next door, can't go.
Even if they buy a nice new cotton/poly pantsuit at Wal-mart for their Sunday go-to-church clothes, they don't get to go either.
Do not wear material woven of two kinds of material.
Leviticus 19:19
And don't get me started on the mullet, which is so wrong on so many levels.
Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard.
Leviticus 19:27
You know the rules: Once an abomination, always an abomination.
Shit... based on all these rules, no one is leaving.
And so...
if no one qualifies to go,
and the rapture actually happens on May 21st,
how do we know?
I'm so confused.
I guess I'll just make an extra pitcher of margaritas and book the jet skis for Sunday...
Can you put a little sunblock on my back?
Just in case...
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Update: OK... technically, footballs are made of leather and just called pigskin.
So please forgive the error in the original diary... I know...I'm going to hell for the error... I'll just add it to the list...
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