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I just had to post this because it is so funny, and it is basically true!
DailyKos for original
THANK YOU: Vote for John McCain
by CarmenT Thu May 15, 2008
My Friends,
I thank you for your vote.
Over the next 4 years I solemnly swear to be the greatest leader this nation has seen since George W Bush.
My Dad was a 4 star admiral in the US Navy. He used to get angry at me because I was stupid. I was able to prove him right by graduating 5th from bottom in my class year of almost 900 at the Naval Academy. Boy was he mad! Especially since he had to pull lots of strings just to get me up that far!
However, the great news is that we live in a country that celebrates stupidity. In no other country on earth would it be possible to elect and re-elect a leader so illiterate and inarticulate as our current president. I promise I will do everything in my power to continue the tradition to the best of my abilities.
I will now outline my most important ‘Straight Talk Distress’ policies that will define the extent of my success as your Commander in Chief:
The Economy:
I’ve never been any good with managing money as I have a rich wife who pays for everything. To my credit I admitted it to you all at the start of my campaign. Fortunately, by keeping the war in Iraq going for the next 100 years, I expect to build up an even larger mountain of debt that will eclipse any other disastrous economic policies I might stumble out.
See, I have it all figured out. The more debt we owe, the more we can print money. The more money we print, the more there is, so the richer we are. Sadly many economists and financial markets experts seem to spend too much time staring at their computers and disagree with me because they are miserable jerks. The more dollars there are the better... it’s obvious... Duh!
People are up in arms about the price of oil. Yes, it’s expensive, but nothing compared to what it would be if my opponent were to get into office. He’s proposing cutting our oil consumption by encouraging us to drive more efficient cars and seeking alternative sources of energy. That’s the most ridiculous notion I have ever heard. Everyone knows that the more you use something, the cheaper it gets. Ever heard of Costco? I propose that we build bigger fuel tanks in our cars so we can buy it in bulk. Once we can get everyone using 2 to 3 times more gas, the price will plummet.
As many Americans know, if you can’t afford something, get more credit. To that end, we have struck a special deal with the Chinese banks who will be offering an initial low interest card especially for buying gas. The interest rate will grow after a couple of weeks, but by that time you won’t care as it’s money already spent and there’s always more credit on offer. To make it even more attractive you will earn ‘road miles’ for every gallon you consume, redeemable against a vehicle with a bigger engine.
We will also implement a clever plan to reduce your debt. By increasing underlying inflation slightly to 20%, the value of your debt will drop dramatically over time. We will be able to do this just as our great leader has done, while further changing the rules for how inflation figures are calculated so it looks like inflation is still below 4%. Even if everything gets more expensive, it won’t matter as there will be plenty more credit for everyone. Being able to afford something should no longer be a limitation. It’s time citizens were allowed the same privileges we have enjoyed in Washington for the past 8 years.
The War Of Terror
One of President George W. Bush’s greatest achievements was to scare the living daylights out of the average American into believing he should be granted absolute power to do whatever he wants. Since much of the funding for his election campaign came from the oil companies, it’s only natural that he should have engineered an artificial War of Terror as an excuse to commandeer one of the largest oil reserves on earth.
Thanks to the efforts of a majority of lawmakers who couldn’t be bothered to read the full intelligence reports, Mr Bush was able to deploy tens of thousands of our troops to start an artificial war against a country that wasn’t attacking us, by clever use of only three letters of the alphabet (and people think he’s stupid!). Many military analysts said it could not be done, they argued that there needed to be compelling evidence of a threat in order to enter a war and clearly they were wrong. My campaign has worked tirelessly over the past few months to come up with an idea as good as Weapons of Mass Distraction and we believe you will support our similar and equally valid Weapons of Mass Delusion justification for a full scale invasion of Iran.
To those who are concerned that the war in Iraq has gone on too long, I agree with you. It’s time we expanded into other countries to make it look like we are succeeding. Also, you need not be concerned by the levels of casualties, there are plenty more soldiers to go around. Just in case, we will be reintroducing a ‘draft’ proposal that will be passed into law in my first few weeks as president. The details are kept secret, so no-one will be able to read it before it’s passed. You will just have to believe us, in the same way that you have entrusted our national security to Bush.
Global Warming
Many of you will rightly be concerned about our environment. Experts have told me that in America we produce around ¼ of the worlds CO2 emissions. Clearly, given the crisis we face, there is no time for the rest of the world to catch up. We have to accept the responsibilities of our world leadership position and be an example for other nations to follow. I propose to increase CO2 production by 50% over the first 2 years of my presidency in conjunction with my bulk gas incentive outlined earlier. Though we expect many countries will lag behind us in this matter, we do not have time to allow the world to cool down while we wait for everyone else to catch up. As a direct side-effect, the increase in temperature will allow us to use more air conditioning so we can generate and consume more power, enabling us to maintain our paramount status as the highest per capita energy consuming nation on earth.
My opponent has said in no uncertain terms that he wants to introduce thousands of new wind farms across the country. My opinion is that its better to have more CO2 created everywhere that to build a few machines to blow it around. If we learned anything from the increasing number of hurricanes that hit our east coast every year, it’s that we don’t need to farm any more wind, there is plenty of it to go around as it is!
Heathcare, Education, Welfare, Jobs and Other Stuff
After 8 years of George W Bush in power I am sure you know by now that as a Republican I have no intention to do anything whatsoever about any of this. So feel free to imagine your own policies here and save me the trouble of having to make them up for you. This way you can put your mind at ease enough to vote for me without worrying whether anything will really change.
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In Conclusion
My opponent will try to impress you with his intelligence, oratory skills, inspired strategy, leadership, progressive policies, and a genuine desire to change the corrupt political system in Washington.It's up to you to ensure we carry on the tradition of electing the arrogant and ignorant, so when you go to the polls in November don’t forget:
I am Republican Senator John McCain. Bush and I approvate this message.
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Image Source: Wikimedia Commons
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