Posts
Seneca Doane Thu Jun 16, 2011
In what is being described by Democratic sources as an amazing coincidence, all Democratic members of Congress resigned today, just hours after the resignation of embattled Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY).
The coincidental mass resignation came in the wake of an e-mail to all Democratic members by blogger-cum-extortionist Andrew Breitbart, containing only the phrase "I Know What You Did Last Summer."
One Democratic representative explained on background that he had no idea what information Breitbart had on him, but "I don't want to find out. So I'm resigning to spend more time with my families. Family! There's only one. Seriously."
Republicans were jubilant over the veto-proof majorities they would now enjoy in both Houses of Congress.
Speaker John Boehner (R-OH), interviewed in his office while stubbing out lit cigarettes against the flanks of live cats, said that he was looking forward to a new era of unipartisanship.
"We've got them on the run now!" Boehner chortled. "They have no idea what anyone might have on them -- audio recordings of them having sex, hidden bathroom cams, who knows? All they know is that if something ever comes out that might embarrass the party, they will be dropped like a handful of flaming turds after a week or two of intense suffering. We like our chances in 2012!"
"Everybody has secrets!" explained Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA). "Everyone does things that would be considered icky if publicly known! It doesn't have to be as bad as internet sex -- anyone can be embarrassed out of office, and now it's open season! Why, even Speaker Boehner, sitting over there, has a documented history of --"
Cantor did not finish the sentence, due to Boehner's pullung out a gun and shooting him through the heart.
"Anyone have a problem with that?" Boehner asked assembled party leaders. They all agreed that they did not have a problem with that, that it's OK if a Republican protects the sanctity of their office with firearms, especially against uppity little pishers who are slavering after their job. George Will, reached on a conference call, agreed.
Deputy Majority Leader Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), who was immediately promoted according to the rules of the House Republican Caucus, was given a ceremonial knife and immediately removed and ate the raw liver of former Rep. Cantor to the cheers of Republicans in the audience. Television networks filmed the ceremony, and it is expected to be broadcast later this week on C-SPAN 3, unless someone can quickly come up with an even more obscure C-SPAN 4 or 5.
In the Senate, Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) announced that he had been appointed to the Board of Directors of Exxon Mobil, Monsanto, Boeing and Pfizer ("the Pharms had a bidding war over me!" McConnell explained, looking pleased.) Asked if this meant that he would resign his seat, McConnell scoffed: "what do you take me for, some kind of Democrat? This is just how business is done in Washington now. I'm just giving you greater transparency. This will be reported someplace in the back of the Business section; I've already made arrangements with the Washington Post." Senator McConnell will be joined on the Boeing board by Sen. Joe Lieberman, who switched parties early this morning and decided that well, maybe he would run for re-election after all.
Senator Johnny Isaakson (R-GA), who will evidently replace Barbara Boxer (D-CA) as Chair of the Ethics Committee, announced that an investigation would soon begin regarding the sole remaining non-Republican in the Senate, Bernie Sanders (I-VT). "I don't have a party to embarrass," said Sanders. "They've got no leverage on me." Democratic leaders immediately denounced Sanders for not doing exactly what Republicans want. "He's not pure enough for us anyway!" sniffed former Sen. Mark Warner, who is contemplating a challenge (sanctioned directly by GOP Chair Reince Priebus) for the Democratic nomination against Barack Obama in 2012, based on his promise not to campaign. Sanders is expected to be accused of taking contributions from constituents, defaming Republicans in public broadcasts, and a pattern of sexual activity spanning decades with his wife, which in some instances "got loud." The accusations are already in continual circulation on Fox News. On InTrade, the odds in favor of Sander's expulsion from the Senate have now reached levels previously seen only for those of Rick Santorum never becoming President.
Senator Boxer was interviewed while cleaning out her office. "The funny thing is," she said to a pair of bloggers, who were the only ones who thought to interview her, "that I actually didn't do anything scandalous. I've always been aware of the obligations and constraints imposed by public life. But others in the caucus convinced me that if I stayed while they left, it would make them look worse and therefore hurt the party, and eventually I just said to hell with it. I'll miss Bernie, though."
A spokesperson for California Governor Jerry Brown stated that, to serve the remainder of the terms of Senators Boxer and Feinstein, he would be appointing former Senator Alan Cranston and his own father, former Governor Pat Brown. Cranston and the senior Brown will be exhumed and given "interpreters" who can help them vote. "You can't defame a dead man," Brown explained cryptically.
Elsewhere, DNC Chair former Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz -- whose resignation was explained only with a tearful "I have young children!" -- acknowledged that the party was suddenly having unanticipated difficulties recruiting candidates for the 2012 elections.
"People have expressed the concern that if they did something stupid or embarrassing -- or ever had done so since birth -- they would not receive the support of the party to the same extent that Republicans customarily receive even for far greater transgressions," she explained. "After a while, people say that it isn't worth the trouble to represent a party that will run from them like they are rabid lepers if they are ever found to have -- not even actual corruption, but human frailties. This includes frailties of a sort that would not in previous years been publicly discussed unless serious corruption or mistreatment of others was found. Naturally, for people even to express these opinions privately harms the reputation of the Democratic Party with voters and what is left of the Democratic Party condemns them. Or so I presume -- I'm getting the hell out of here."
Republicans have announced plans, based on the new standards for Democratic officeholders, to retroactively impeach and remove from office former Democratic Presidents Roosevelt, Truman, Kennedy, Johnson, Carter and Clinton, thus voiding all legislation they signed and all Supreme Court appointments they made. President Clinton is reportedly in seclusion, but President Carter appeared on NBC and denounced the Republican Party as "irresponsible scalawags" and is reportedly now being held in the Congressional Dungeon for Contempt of Congress, which is not only OK with most Democratic leaders but frankly would have been considered OK even before the Weiner scandal. ("He's so sanctimonious, that goody two-shoes," explained one consultant. "Really, he's an embarrassment to the Party.")
The ambitious Republican plan to undo the New Deal, the Fair Deal, the Great Society, and the Carter and Clinton Presidencies is controversial with some academic professors with tenure at wealthy private universities, but even they admitted that it is likely to be affirmed by the Supreme Court, 5-0.
President Obama has announced that he will be taking a trip to visit the site of the Apollo 11 landing on the moon "until this whole thing blows over or until my family and I can get Kenyan citizenship." Vice-President Biden will be managing the government until then, the plan being to keep him sufficiently soused that he has no idea what is going on in Congress and can neither be blackmailed or asked for comment. "It's sort of like a 'Beer Summit' with himself," said a Democratic spokesperson, who was quickly sacked and disavowed because that sort of flippant or even snarky comment is a real embarrassment to the Democratic Party -- upon which our best hopes for the future depend.
1:10 PM PT: By the way, if you liked this diary, my diary from last week is a non-snarky accompaniment to it.
Originally posted to Doane Spills on Thu Jun 16, 2011
Also republished by New York State.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment