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America celebrates another birthday this July 4th weekend so all of you stay safe out on the roadways, and be careful with those fireworks.
Bill Maher: "Newt Gingrich said Republicans shouldn’t be afraid to go into black neighborhoods and tell them Obama failed them. To which every Republican replied 'You first.'"
"New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It's not their field. It's like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here's what they know about: spray tans, fake boobs and baton twirling. Here's what they don't know about: everything else. If I cared about the uninformed opinions of some ditsy beauty queen, I'd join the Tea Party."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Michele Bachmann is kind of like Sarah Palin but without the charisma — or marksmanship. You know, maybe we should stop telling kids that anyone can grow up to be president of the United States."
"Sarah Palin says she should be ready to make a decision on running for president by December 2012."
Conan O'Brien: "Sarah and Bristol Palin made an appearance at a book store. Apparently, it was 'Bring Your Daughter to a Place You Never Go Day.'"
"Yesterday Sarah Palin said that she read Bristol Palin's new book and she found it 'shocking.' When asked what was shocking, Palin said 'the fact I read a book.'"
Michele Bachmann said her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa, is the birthplace of John Wayne, when it is actually the birthplace of serial killer John Wayne Gacy. She then said her favorite sitcom from the 80s is 'Charles Manson in Charge.'"
David Letterman: "Chris Wallace at Fox News asked Michele Bachmann if she is a flake. I think that's an insult to the fine folks at Kellogg's."
"Blagojevich said he was stunned by the verdict. Apparently, he wasn't paying attention during the trial."
Stephen Colbert: "She announced her presidency from Waterloo -- a name synonymous with victory."
“It is no secret that our economy is in the dumpster, because our economy knows the dumpster is where you can sometimes find old muffins.”
Craig Ferguson: "Whitey Bulger's brother was a politician. So one brother was operating in a world with no morals, dealing with the lowest of the low, and the other one was a mobster."
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