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People, the past few weeks have been a nightmare for me, this week especially. Today has been the worst! Just when one thinks that it cannot get any worse, it does. At 5 pm, the time I usually post these funnies, my fridge died of a massive stroke. Always on a Friday, isn’t it? Just stocked the darn thing an hour before!
On top of all of that, I’ve missed all of the weeks political happenings because I was stuck in a hospital since last Sunday, not to mention that my blogging software needed medical attention of its own.
You can probably use a laugh or 2 just as much as I can, so here it goes.
David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways The Country Would Be Different If Chris Christie Were President"
10. Al-Qaida taunts America with 'Your president's so fat' jokes
9. Goodbye White House vegetable garden
8. Cabinet will now have a Secretary of Cake
7. New state: Fatbuttachusetts
6. Congress does whatever he wants, because fat guys are, like, super-strong when they freak out
5. Presidential retreat moved from Camp David to Hershey Park
4. Taxpayers would have to pay for the president's second seat on Air Force One
3. New national anthem: the 'Chili's baby back ribs' song
2. Instead of Iraq, we'd invade IHOP
1. Scandal when president is caught in Oval Office with Betty Crocker and Sara LeeDavid Letterman: "Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie."
"The two American hikers have been released from Iran and they're trying to reintroduce them to American culture. Right now, they're in a screening room outside of Washington, going through Jennifer Aniston comedies."
"Rick Perry did so badly at the last debate, that President Obama turned to Michelle and said, 'Honey, you can stop packing.'
on Stewart to the GOP base: You want to add another candidate? It's like the Republican primary is a season of 'American Idol' in reverse, where every week you just add some new idiot… Have you ever considered the possibility that your candidates aren’t the problem — it's you?
Bill Maher: "Did you see the Republican debate last night? It was brought to you by FOX and Google. I think that makes sense that they were working together because Google is what people go to, to fact check the bullshit that comes out of FOX."
"If you're keeping score at home, they have now applauded executions at the Republican debate, they have cheered letting an uninsured man die, and they booed an active duty U.S. serviceman for being gay. I don’t know how you get to the right with this crowd but Ron Paul’s new campaign ad is just the Rodney King beating to the sound of children laughing."
"You gotta love Sarah Palin. She is now on her website asking her idiot fan base for donations for her to help make a decision about whether or not to run. She wants money now for just thinking? What a grifter."
Daily Show Senior Black Correspondent Larry Wilmore: "I voted for Obama because he was black, not because I agreed with him. I barely agreed with him that he was black."
Jay Leno: "President Obama is criticizing Rick Perry for denying global warming. Can understand why Rick Perry doesn't take global warming seriously. As governor of Texas, he's probably fried more people than global warming all put together."
The last Republican debate was sponsored by Google. I think Google can really help. We should run a Google search for some better candidates."
"President Obama claims his new jobs bill will be better than his old jobs bill, which only created one job that went to a guy named Bill."
"Herman Cain won the Republican straw poll in Florida. Cain has had more wins in Florida this year than the Miami Dolphins."
Conan O'Brien: "Obama was heckled by someone who said, 'Don't forget about medical marijuana.' The Secret Service has narrowed the suspects down to everyone in L.A.
"Hallmark has launched a line of recession-themed cards that say, 'Sorry you lost your job.' The good news is, the cards come pre-addressed to your congressman."
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