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Jay Leno: "Santorum says that Satan has his sights set on the United States of America. And today Satan said he tries to avoid politics because it makes him feel dirty."
“Santorum says that if he's elected, he's going to leave the interns alone and just screw the American people directly.”
"He is so conservative. When he goes to the market, he skips the household aisle, just to avoid making eye contact with Mr. Clean."
"He is so conservative that he won't masturbate because it involves sex with a guy."
"Rick Santorum said today that during his 16 years in Congress, he was an outsider the whole time. You know what? After 16 years, you're not an outsider. You're just unpopular.
“Rick Santorum also said that global warming is politics, not science. And he said he'll defend that position to the edge of the earth. "If I have to fall off..."
“This guy is really conservative. In fact, Rick Santorum is so conservative he won't even go down on an escalator.”
“Rick Santorum is so conservative that when he goes to KFC, he only orders the right wings.”
“This guy is so anti-gay, he won't even eat a Hershey bar if it has nuts.”
Jimmy Fallon: “Microsoft founder Bill Gates attended a fundraiser for President Obama on Friday. He wasn't invited, but in typical Microsoft fashion he crashed it.”
Bill Maher: “Rick Santorum released his tax returns this week, and under withholding he wrote oral sex.”
“Rick Santorum doesn’t like sex. He doesn’t like the pill. He really doesn’t like condoms. He said if men are going to pull something on to prevent procreation, nothing works better that a sweater vest.”
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"Here's the good news for liberals. A new poll shows that Santorum and Romney are beating each other up so bad that Obama is now ahead of both of them – another tragic result of white-on-white crime."
Craig Ferguson: “Everyone throws beads on Mardi Gras. The beads are paid for by local businessmen who ride on elaborate floats and toss little trinkets to the desperate masses in the streets. Which is also Mitt Romney's economic plan.”
Jimmy Kimmel: “Bob Morris, a state lawmaker from Fort Wayne, Ind., has decided not to support a proposal to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts. He believes the Girl Scouts is a, quote, radicalized organization that supports homosexuality and abortion. I'm all for freedom of speech, but that kind of talk might get you picked as Rick Santorum's running mate.”
“Girl Scouts sell cookies. They don't promote homosexuality. They promote obesity.”
"Rick Santorum said he believes that Satan has his sights on America. Apparently Satan is still upset about the time he went down to Georgia and lost that fiddle.
Conan O'Brien: “There are 8 million dead people who are still registered to vote. As a matter of fact, they're the group that's most passionate about Mitt Romney.”
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