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Jay Leno: “The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.”
"Republicans are now starting to accept the fact that Mitt Romney will be their nominee for president. But you know, they're not that excited about it. It's kind of like starting to accept that you're going to prom with your sister."
“First Lady Michelle Obama will appear on 'The Biggest Loser' tomorrow night and will bring the overweight contestants to the East Room for a workout. You get the feeling that's about the only way Newt Gingrich is ever going to get in the White House?”
Jimmy Fallon: “Last night Mitt Romney went three for three by winning the primaries in Maryland, Wisconsin, and Washington, D.C. Not to be outdone, Rick Santorum went three for three by offending women, atheists, and Latinos.”
Jimmy Kimmel: “Mitt Romney is catching heat for a possible violation of election rules. He was at a sub shop handing out free sandwiches. Special Romney sandwiches — they come on really, really white bread.”
David Letterman: “Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the Wisconsin primary. He won the state of Wisconsin because of his pro-cheese position.”
“Mitt Romney is trying to get female voters and Rick Santorum said, ‘What? Women can vote? Are you kidding me?’”
Jon Stewart: "The (Supreme Court) ruling that anyone who's arrested -- even accidentally -- can be strip-searched was decided five to four, with the votes for the searches coming from the Court's five conservatives. You know -- the 'defending personal liberty' guys. Which is weird because I'm not a constitutional scholar, but I'm willing to bet Big Government feels it's biggest when it's inside your anus."
Conan O'Brien: “Three people have won the Mega Millions lottery. You know what that means — three more votes for Mitt Romney.”
“Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney has no principles. In other words, he has given Romney his official endorsement.”
Bill Maher: "This was the week the Supreme Court heard all the arguments about health care. The mood in Washington very tense. Angry, incoherent Tea Party protesters were everywhere, including the five on the Supreme Court."
"We learned this week that Mitt Romney is building a car elevator in his house. An elevator for your cars. I get the feeling this guy wants to be president so he has a place to live while he's remodeling his beach house."
"George Zimmerman's family has been all over TV this week. The dad told Fox News that the real problem is so much hate coming from Obama. You know what, man. Obama has drones and Seal Team Six. If he hated you, you'd know about it."
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