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Copyright © 2012 Creators Syndicate
Barack Obama, at the 2008 Al Smith Dinner:
''Many of you know that I got my name, Barack, from my father. What you may not know is Barack is actually Swahili for 'That One.' And I got my middle name from somebody who obviously didn't think I'd ever run for president.''
On the news media: ''Most of you covered me. All of you voted for me. Apologies to the Fox table.''
''Another difficult challenge is how to help our automakers thrive in the 21st century. We've tried a number of different approaches, and tonight, I'm announcing a new one. It's a plan passed on to me by a close friend and advisor, Oprah Winfrey. So if each of you will look under your seat, you find that -- you get a car company! You get a car company! And FOX -- you get AIG. Enjoy!''-2009 Radio & TV Correspondents' Dinner
''In my first term, we passed health care reform. In my second term, I guess I'll pass it again.''
Jay Leno: "The Secret Service has withdrawn its protection of Newt Gingrich in advance of him formally announcing the suspension of his campaign. His Secret Service protection was costing us $44,000 a day. I guess they figured it wasn't worth it anymore to protect Newt from all the people trying to ignore him."
"Here's a little bit of history. On this day in 1789, George Washington became the first president of the United States after just narrowly beating out Ron Paul."
Jimmy Fallon: "During a speech on Friday, Mitt Romney told students that if they want to go to college or start a business, they should just borrow money from their parents. That should work fine as long as your parents are Mitt and Ann Romney."
David Letterman: "A year ago Osama bin Laden was killed. He was executed in Pakistan. They say that Osama bin Laden would be alive today if his bodyguards hadn't been screwing around with hookers."
-Jon Stewart, blasting GOP hypocrisy over President Obama's Osama bin Laden ad: "So let me get this straight. Republicans, you're annoyed by the arrogance and braggadocio of a wartime President's political ad. You think he's divisively and unfairly belittling his opponents, I see. I have a question: ARE YOU ON CRACK??? Were you alive, lo, these past ten years? It seems unseemly for the President to spike the football. Bush landed on a fucking aircraft carrier with a football-stuffed codpiece; he spiked the football before the game had even started!"
David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Mitt Romney Begins Conversations With Teens"
10. "How's puberty going?"
9. "Where do you summer?"
8. "Do you fellows play sportball?"
7. "Nice shirt — you know, my friend owns the Gap"
6. "You teens are just the right height"
5. "Check out my sick Windsor knot"
4. "Would you like to see my dancing horse?"
3. "Raise the roof if your municipal bonds have reached maturity"
2. Just like this: (video of Mitt saying "Who let the dogs out?")
1. "Didn't I fire your father?"
Bill Maher: "It looks like the Republicans are going back to the strategy of 2008 where Obama is characterized as a celebrity. Says the party who is gay for Ronald Reagan. Come on, you can't worship Ronald Reagan and then attack Obama for being a celebrity. That's like running Chris Christie and saying Obama has a fat ass."
"Romney is going to have to pick a vice president and apparently it is between Chris Christie and the senator from Florida, Marco Rubio. So it’s between a Cuban American and a cubic American."
"Other people say that Mitt should balance the ticket by picking someone who has taken all of the opposite positions of him, like himself."
"Newt Gingrich says he's going to make an announcement on Tuesday that he's suspending his presidential campaign. Yes, he's letting us down gently. And also because technicians are still working on Callista to install her sad face."
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