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Jimmy Fallon: "A new report found that Mitt Romney's economic plan would not have any effect on unemployment. When he heard that Romney's plan wouldn't make any difference, Obama was like, 'Hey, that's MY thing!'"
"Mitt Romney just released a new campaign ad about the economy featuring out-of-work Americans. It gets weird at the end when he says, 'I'm Mitt Romney, and I fired all these people.'"
David Letterman: "Ron Paul's son is a senator from Kentucky, and he's now endorsing Mitt Romney. I know how that feels. My son watches Jay."
"Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old sport-coat pocket."
Conan O'Brien: "It's great to be back in Chicago. Illinois Rep. Derek Smith has been accused of accepting a $7,000 bribe. If he's found guilty, he could serve up to four years as the state's governor."
"The last time I did a late-night show in Chicago, my guest was an up-and-coming senator called Barack Obama. And now just six short years later, he's gone on to become a socialist Muslim from Kenya."
Jay Leno: "A new government survey shows that teenagers are now smoking more marijuana than they are smoking cigarettes. Experts say heavy pot smoking by young people impairs thinking, distorts perception, and can be a gateway to the White House."
"In Greece, the unemployment rate has risen to 22%. The solution to the problem was to raise taxes on the rich, according to the Greek president Barack Obama-opolis."
Bill Maher: "Team Romney is misspelling words all over the map. They misspelled America, they misspelled the word official, they misspelled Reagan…I think we are going to find out that Mitt is actually dyslexic and his name is Tim."
"The effort to recall Gov. Scott Walker in Wisconsin failed. This is the worst thing to happen to organized labor in America since the invention of Mexicans."
"Gov. Rick Scott in Florida is purging the voter roles. It's so over the line that the county election supervisors are refusing to comply. And Gov. Scott said, 'Hey, we just want to remove people in Florida who are either felons, deceased, or here illegally.' Which in Florida leaves only 12 people."
David Letterman's "Top Ten Subject Lines of Emails Received By Mitt Romney"
10. Meet other attractive Mitts in your area
9. Newt here, regarding the VP job
8. Reminder: It's been over a month since you've purchased a Cadillac
7. Confirming your 2:30, 5:30, and 9 o'clock haircuts
6. 20% off at beach-house-car-elevators.com
5. Nice slacks, bro!
4. Your Marie Osmond tickets have shipped
2. If I vote for you, can I ride your dancing horse?
1. Warning: your hacked password is about to expire
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