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–Jimmy Fallon: "A new poll found that 54 percent of Florida voters think the country is on the wrong track under President Obama. While the rest of Florida’s voters still think Teddy Roosevelt is president."
"President Obama said 1992’s dream team was better than this year’s Olympic basketball team. Which is interesting because a lot of people think 1992’s president is better than this year’s president."
"During last night's USA-Brazil basketball game, President Obama gave Michelle a kiss when they were shown on the kiss cam. That's cute. It explains why everyone was like, 'quick, put him on the fix the economy cam!'"
Jon Stewart, Mitt Romney's "retroactive retirement" from Bain: "In 2012 I realized the company I was CEO of in 1999 did things that would hurt my presidential run in the present, so I retroactively wasn't there."
"Nobody cares that Mitt Romney is rich. It's Romney’s inability to understand the institutional advantage that he gains from the government’s tax code largesse, that’s a little offensive to people, especially considering Romney's view on anyone else who looks to the government for things like, I don't know, food and medicine."
Jay Leno: "Well, President Obama and first lady Michelle went to see the U.S. Olympic basketball team play Brazil the other day. And during the game, they were put on the kiss cam. At first, they didn't kiss and the crowd booed them. Then the camera went back to them. And they finally did kiss. Isn't that amazing? A politician in Washington caught on camera kissing a woman he's actually married to?"
"The Obama administration has reportedly told Syrian rebels they can't help them until after the election. So at least they're consistent. That's the same thing they're telling us. 'Can't help you until after the election."
"Every American athlete who wears the Chinese made uniforms will get a free bootleg copy of the new Batman movie."
"During a fundraiser a country club in Mississippi, Mitt Romney said the GOP is a party focused on helping the poor. See, his wife Ann is right, he is funny. He can makes jokes."
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