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and I'm starting with the best jokes from Inauguration day onward. Get a laugh and enjoy the weekend.
Jay Leno:
"Nice to have you all here. As you all know, George Bush is no longer president, so they'll be no monologue."
"Two million people attended the inauguration, compared to less than 500,000 when Bush was inaugurated four years ago. But that makes sense because four years ago, you know, people had jobs to go to."
"In fact, John McCain said he was so moved by today's events, he suspended his campaign again."
"Every single TV network was covering the inauguration, except Fox. They're still doing the recount."
"The total cost of the inauguration was $170 million. They say this is the most of the expensive celebration since that last AIG retreat on our bailout money."
"Oh actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington, whose speech was just a couple minutes long, which makes sense because, remember, George Washington couldn't tell a lie, right?"
Conan O'Brien:
"Yesterday, in San Francisco, someone replaced all the street signs on Bush Street with signs that say Obama Street. Locals say it doesn't really matter because every street in San Francisco goes both ways."
"Yesterday, at Barack Obama's inauguration, he was sworn in on an old Bible that was used by Abraham Lincoln. Yeah, and the weird part is, Lincoln checked the Bible out of a library. There are $73,000 in late fees."
Craig Ferguson:
"President Obama got his new limousine. It has all the latest technology, although they did take out President Bush's favorite piece of technology, the PlayStation."
"The new season of 'Lost' kicked off tonight. If you haven't seen it, 'Lost' is about a group of desperate people out of touch with the world. It's based on the true story of the Republican Party."
Jimmy Kimmel:
"Last night, while their parents were at the inaugural balls, Sasha and Malia Obama, the kids, had their own little party at the White House. They held a scavenger hunt for them and some other kids. And this is the best thing. At the end of the scavenger hunt, they opened door and in a closet waiting for them were the Jonas Brothers. True. I guess they did the same thing with the Bush twins back in 2000, only it was Motley Crue with a tray of Jell-O shots in the closet."
Conan O'Brien:
"All the living ex-presidents attended the swearing-in ceremony. But did you see this? Bill Clinton got the biggest response from the crowd. Did you see that? Yeah. Yeah, apparently, thousands of women yelled, 'That's him, officer!'"
"Very cold today in Washington. Yeah. In fact, with the wind chill, President Bush's approval rating reached minus 13."
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