Friday Funnies: The Facebook, Romney Edition

Jimmy Fallon: "While attending meetings in Chicago this week, President Obama stayed in a hotel instead of his own house. It was annoying, though: When he asked for a wake-up call, they just showed him his latest poll numbers.

Jimmy Kimmel: "Shares of Facebook stock dropped from the opening day price of $38 to around $34 today. They say if it drops any lower, Mitt Romney will swoop in and divide it up into Face and Book." 

Jay Leno: "According to a study released today, the average member of Congress can only speak at a tenth grade level. Which is worse than it sounds, because the average tenth grader speaks at a third grade level."
 "Facebook has lost so much money that founder Mark Zuckerberg has been named an honorary board member of JPMorgan."
 "President Obama gave the commencement speech at Barnard College the other day. He told graduates their future is bright unless they want jobs."
 "On the first day of trading, Facebook shares rose less than expected. We were promised that Facebook would take off like a rocket. Apparently it's a North Korean rocket."
 "Our good friend Chris Matthews on MSNBC was on 'Jeopardy' the other day and get got his butt killed. He was so embarrassed. The good news? He got so many facts wrong today he was offered a job at Fox News."
 
Conan O'Brien : "Mark Zuckerberg got married a couple of days ago. At their wedding, Zuckerberg's wife wore a dress that cost nearly $5,000. That is until the dress went public. Now it's worth $2,000." 
 "Facebook shares fell again today. At one point this afternoon, Mark Zuckerberg went from being a billionaire to being 'still a billionaire.'

David Letterman :"Facebook is worth $100 billion. Today it was friended by Greece."

Bill Maher : "For the first time in our history, more minority children were born in America than white children. And today the Octomom said, 'I'm on it.'"
 Ron Paul did not endorse Mitt Romney, and this happens to a lot of people. They say his hatred for Romney comes from a phenomenon called 'meeting him.'
 "Conservatives often say that gay marriage cheapens their marriage. Well, I think a diploma from Liberty cheapens my degree from a real school.
 "When you confuse a church with a school it mixes up the things you believe – religion – with the things we know – education. Then you start thinking that creationism is science, and gay aversion is psychology, and praying away hurricanes is meteorology." –Bill Maher on Mitt Romney's speech at Liberty University

"They teach that the Earth is 5,000 years old, and dinosaur fossils washed up in Noah's flood. This is a school you flunk out of when you get the answers right." –Bill Maher on Mitt Romney's speech at Liberty University


 



 

Saturday's Political Jokes...

... and they all come from our lovely "late night" television shows.

Jay Leno: "Next week, the president of China will be at the White House. And good news — he has no plans to foreclose."

"And in a major reversal of U.S. policy, President Obama has narrowed the conditions under which we would use nuclear weapons. He said we'd only use them against Iran, North Korea or Fox News."

David Letterman:"The government says the economy is bouncing back. So now we can go back to making cars nobody wants. That will be good."

"People were standing in line around the block all weekend to get an iPad. Out in Arizona, John McCain was waiting in line for an IBM Selectric."

Jimmy Kimmel:"Tiger Woods will play his first golf tournament in five months, and his first tournament in six years without lipstick on his lucky underwear."

politicalhumor.about.com

Late Night Political Jokes: Tuesday Edition

It has been some time since i've posted my " Friday Funnies" listing of the best political jokes coming from those late-night talk show hosts, so here is a shortened version for all of you on this fine Tuesday.

David Letterman:
"Congress has been agonizing over health care for months now. Squabbling, fighting, the town hall meetings going crazy. Meanwhile, while they're arguing about health care, we're stuck in two wars that were rubber-stamped in about 10 minutes. What? How does that make any sense when you think about it?"

"People are always saying to me, 'Well, Dave, are you worried?' No, I'm not worried about health care, and I'll tell you why. Because I'm with CBS. ... They have a tremendous health care plan. And here's what it is. Simply, when I die, I get to appear on a 'CSI' show as a corpse."

Bill Maher:

"And then there's the people who come to the town hall meetings about health care and think that Obama is going to do the same thing that Hitler did. I mean, what can't you tell these people that they won't believe? I could start a rumor right now. I could say, you know what? Under Obama's health care plan, when you bring your child to a pediatrician, from now on, when he's done, instead of giving him a balloon, he's going to give the kid a condom. Stupid is a preexisting condition, yes."

"And apparently, it's now no longer enough to be screaming as they've been doing at the town hall meetings. They're now bringing guns. I would say these people are armed to the teeth, but they have no teeth."

"And they're also bringing guns to events with the president of the United States. Did you see these people with the assault rifles? There was a guy -- and it was a black guy -- holding a big assault rifle, which is terrible news for white people. I mean, first we lose our dominance over music, then sports, then golf, then the presidency. Now, black people are taking over the gun-toting redneck industry."

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/bldailyfeed3.htm

Have a great day!!